Over Anxious

never thought that i would catch insomnia in my life ever... i hardly to sleep, even to close my eyes and forget things for moments. though i finally managed to close my eyes and unconscious for few hours, i woke up with all task list and worries clearly in my head. that's it!

I'm over anxious, whether I'm born with it or grew with it, but that's who I am now. Worried about a lot of things, in fact, everything.

Dear Lord... please help me gain back my sanity... my life... my soul... my spirit...

Am exhausted...

rasa itu ternyata masih ada...

rasa itu ternyata masih ada, biarpun tidak disirami kasih dan tidak dipupuki rindu, rasa itu ternyata masih ada. tidak berkembang semakin besar, tetap seukuran saat rasa itu mulai ada. berpuluh-puluh tahun yang lalu, saat kita masih bertemu setiap hari, hingga kita bertemu beberapa minggu sekali, bicara seru hingga embun pagi merangkak keluar diam-diam.

aku selalu tau aku punya ketergantungan tinggi padamu, aku punya setumpuk bukti di memori kepalaku. aku selalu tau aku akan terbuka padamu, ceritaku sudah setebal buku diari. aku selalu tau aku akan merindukanmu, terutama saat kamu tiba-tiba pergi jauh.

aku tau kita tidak harus memiliki, karena tidak ada yang perlu diakhiri. aku hanya baru mengetahui bahwa rasa itu masih ada, dan aku bersyukur padaNYA untuk itu. aku tidak mengerti rasa itu harus kubahasakan apa, tidak ada kosa kata yang cocok untuknya, tidak ada perbandingan yang cocok untuknya.

aku hanya senang rasa itu masih ada... masih untukmu... tanpa perlu memilikimu... tanpa perlu menyakitimu... tanpa perlu memusingkanmu... aku ingin membiarkannya tetap begitu...

i'm sick of everything

i miss you so much that it turns out to be a hatred. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of missing you. i'm sick of marriage wishful thinking. i'm sick of dreaming one day i'll have my own family- being a mom- being a wife. i'm sick of until late thinking it's for the sake of my family's future. i'm sick of being a tough person. i'm sick of being responsible of other people.

if it's not the time then it probably just as it is, there will be no the right time.

FATIGUE

coba deh, if only you can have a short chance, just a slight chance, untuk duduk diem ga mikir apa2, ga inget deadline apa2, ga ngerjain apa2... just to think. mau sampai kapan kayak gini? ritme hidup seperti ini? is this what you called a life? bangun, kantor, pulang, tidur. mau sampai kapan???

sepenting apa sih yang dikerjain sampe harus ngalahin badan sendiri? keluarga sendiri? hati sendiri?

good luck ya. mudah2an selamat, dan berumur panjang.

what do u want?

i want to live a simple life. i want to be loved. i want to love the right person. i want to get married. i want to go home and meet people i love and do simple stuff : dinner, watching tv, chatting, cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, clean up. i want to be called mommy. i want to be a wife. i want to be called honey or babe. i want to be pretty. i want to be smart. i want to be humble. i want to have my own family. i want to have a husband whom i can be proud of.

i want to be me few times back, in love with you few times back. i start to think that the gap is becoming way too big now...

i want to live a simple life, full of love.

maybe it's me after all...

this morning, i suddenly realized something. maybe it's not you who have the doubts, but it's me. i doubt you, i doubt us, i doubt our future, i doubt everything. is it because i'm structured minded? perhaps... but probably coz i lost something that happened to be one of the main factors i always fell in love with you.

i lost the sense of safety being near you. many unanswered questions. should be okay, but it just bothered me who always required answers for every questions i ever asked. not to mention my biggest question mark, how do we survive all the economics ups and downs in our home? it takes two to tango, it's better when two brings the bacon home.

so after all, it was me who have the doubt... and keep this being postponed to be a dream come true... please forgive me... for doubt you and crazy about you at the same time. please just remember that my analytical score is only 5 from 0 to 100 range.

what do you say honey? shall we keep it a wonderful dream or just make it come true?

and the curse continues...