never thought that i would catch insomnia in my life ever... i hardly to sleep, even to close my eyes and forget things for moments. though i finally managed to close my eyes and unconscious for few hours, i woke up with all task list and worries clearly in my head. that's it!
I'm over anxious, whether I'm born with it or grew with it, but that's who I am now. Worried about a lot of things, in fact, everything.
Dear Lord... please help me gain back my sanity... my life... my soul... my spirit...
Am exhausted...
15 Desember 2008
16 Oktober 2008
rasa itu ternyata masih ada...
rasa itu ternyata masih ada, biarpun tidak disirami kasih dan tidak dipupuki rindu, rasa itu ternyata masih ada. tidak berkembang semakin besar, tetap seukuran saat rasa itu mulai ada. berpuluh-puluh tahun yang lalu, saat kita masih bertemu setiap hari, hingga kita bertemu beberapa minggu sekali, bicara seru hingga embun pagi merangkak keluar diam-diam.
aku selalu tau aku punya ketergantungan tinggi padamu, aku punya setumpuk bukti di memori kepalaku. aku selalu tau aku akan terbuka padamu, ceritaku sudah setebal buku diari. aku selalu tau aku akan merindukanmu, terutama saat kamu tiba-tiba pergi jauh.
aku tau kita tidak harus memiliki, karena tidak ada yang perlu diakhiri. aku hanya baru mengetahui bahwa rasa itu masih ada, dan aku bersyukur padaNYA untuk itu. aku tidak mengerti rasa itu harus kubahasakan apa, tidak ada kosa kata yang cocok untuknya, tidak ada perbandingan yang cocok untuknya.
aku hanya senang rasa itu masih ada... masih untukmu... tanpa perlu memilikimu... tanpa perlu menyakitimu... tanpa perlu memusingkanmu... aku ingin membiarkannya tetap begitu...
aku selalu tau aku punya ketergantungan tinggi padamu, aku punya setumpuk bukti di memori kepalaku. aku selalu tau aku akan terbuka padamu, ceritaku sudah setebal buku diari. aku selalu tau aku akan merindukanmu, terutama saat kamu tiba-tiba pergi jauh.
aku tau kita tidak harus memiliki, karena tidak ada yang perlu diakhiri. aku hanya baru mengetahui bahwa rasa itu masih ada, dan aku bersyukur padaNYA untuk itu. aku tidak mengerti rasa itu harus kubahasakan apa, tidak ada kosa kata yang cocok untuknya, tidak ada perbandingan yang cocok untuknya.
aku hanya senang rasa itu masih ada... masih untukmu... tanpa perlu memilikimu... tanpa perlu menyakitimu... tanpa perlu memusingkanmu... aku ingin membiarkannya tetap begitu...
24 September 2008
i'm sick of everything
i miss you so much that it turns out to be a hatred. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of missing you. i'm sick of marriage wishful thinking. i'm sick of dreaming one day i'll have my own family- being a mom- being a wife. i'm sick of until late thinking it's for the sake of my family's future. i'm sick of being a tough person. i'm sick of being responsible of other people.
if it's not the time then it probably just as it is, there will be no the right time.
if it's not the time then it probably just as it is, there will be no the right time.
16 Juli 2008
FATIGUE
coba deh, if only you can have a short chance, just a slight chance, untuk duduk diem ga mikir apa2, ga inget deadline apa2, ga ngerjain apa2... just to think. mau sampai kapan kayak gini? ritme hidup seperti ini? is this what you called a life? bangun, kantor, pulang, tidur. mau sampai kapan???
sepenting apa sih yang dikerjain sampe harus ngalahin badan sendiri? keluarga sendiri? hati sendiri?
good luck ya. mudah2an selamat, dan berumur panjang.
sepenting apa sih yang dikerjain sampe harus ngalahin badan sendiri? keluarga sendiri? hati sendiri?
good luck ya. mudah2an selamat, dan berumur panjang.
10 Juli 2008
what do u want?
i want to live a simple life. i want to be loved. i want to love the right person. i want to get married. i want to go home and meet people i love and do simple stuff : dinner, watching tv, chatting, cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, clean up. i want to be called mommy. i want to be a wife. i want to be called honey or babe. i want to be pretty. i want to be smart. i want to be humble. i want to have my own family. i want to have a husband whom i can be proud of.
i want to be me few times back, in love with you few times back. i start to think that the gap is becoming way too big now...
i want to live a simple life, full of love.
i want to be me few times back, in love with you few times back. i start to think that the gap is becoming way too big now...
i want to live a simple life, full of love.
05 Juli 2008
maybe it's me after all...
this morning, i suddenly realized something. maybe it's not you who have the doubts, but it's me. i doubt you, i doubt us, i doubt our future, i doubt everything. is it because i'm structured minded? perhaps... but probably coz i lost something that happened to be one of the main factors i always fell in love with you.
i lost the sense of safety being near you. many unanswered questions. should be okay, but it just bothered me who always required answers for every questions i ever asked. not to mention my biggest question mark, how do we survive all the economics ups and downs in our home? it takes two to tango, it's better when two brings the bacon home.
so after all, it was me who have the doubt... and keep this being postponed to be a dream come true... please forgive me... for doubt you and crazy about you at the same time. please just remember that my analytical score is only 5 from 0 to 100 range.
what do you say honey? shall we keep it a wonderful dream or just make it come true?
i lost the sense of safety being near you. many unanswered questions. should be okay, but it just bothered me who always required answers for every questions i ever asked. not to mention my biggest question mark, how do we survive all the economics ups and downs in our home? it takes two to tango, it's better when two brings the bacon home.
so after all, it was me who have the doubt... and keep this being postponed to be a dream come true... please forgive me... for doubt you and crazy about you at the same time. please just remember that my analytical score is only 5 from 0 to 100 range.
what do you say honey? shall we keep it a wonderful dream or just make it come true?
05 Juni 2008
14 Mei 2008
Dear Lord, take what YOU need and give what YOU will
something nice quoted from my friend's daily bread:
Lord, shape my life as only You can
Guiding each day by Your loving plan
Take what You need and give what You will
My life is Yours to use and fill
here we come again to another biggest crossroad of my life. actually i've been here many times, for years, back and forth, being a warrior princess who is willingly to fight to my last breath. against the world, against everyone. i only believe in my heart, and hoping to God.
until another drama came along to my life, unexpectedly.
i still don't know what to do, for what i have for you is really big, it was and always.
but Lord has promised that He won't abandon me and He won't let anything happen to us in our life unless He has a good purpose for it all. so ya udah...
let me be a butterfly, flying pretty and spread the happiness everywhere.
and may you always be a nocturne as always, it might be your destiny.
you're still welcomed, always - only if you want to stay forever...
Lord, shape my life as only You can
Guiding each day by Your loving plan
Take what You need and give what You will
My life is Yours to use and fill
here we come again to another biggest crossroad of my life. actually i've been here many times, for years, back and forth, being a warrior princess who is willingly to fight to my last breath. against the world, against everyone. i only believe in my heart, and hoping to God.
until another drama came along to my life, unexpectedly.
i still don't know what to do, for what i have for you is really big, it was and always.
but Lord has promised that He won't abandon me and He won't let anything happen to us in our life unless He has a good purpose for it all. so ya udah...
let me be a butterfly, flying pretty and spread the happiness everywhere.
and may you always be a nocturne as always, it might be your destiny.
you're still welcomed, always - only if you want to stay forever...
13 Mei 2008
my nocturne, don't fly away now...
it takes more than just falling in love. it needs TRUST. it needs LOYALTY. it needs UNDERSTANDING. it needs COMMUNICATION. it requires COMPROMISING. it needs COMMITMENT. it takes SURPRISES. but above all, it won't be happening without YOU.
it's been a long winding road, lots of ups and downs. we've reached some steps forward, but we have not even reached the front door yet. i'm willing to fight. i won't say it would be easy or quick and painless. but i will.
WILL YOU?
it's been a long winding road, lots of ups and downs. we've reached some steps forward, but we have not even reached the front door yet. i'm willing to fight. i won't say it would be easy or quick and painless. but i will.
WILL YOU?
04 Mei 2008
07 April 2008
small gifts of life
when we grow up, life seems getting tougher everyday. some people, including me (see, i say it loud and clear) becoming a complainer, keeps whining all the time. why? one of the reasons is because i rarely see a bunch of beautifully wrapped gifts like what i saw during my childhood. what i see most now is a bunch of problems that needs to be solved.
however, some people said that each person can see a glass half full or half empty. tonight, it suddenly hit me (in usual place) that i still have gifts wherever in my life. not that big, not beautifully wrapped (not always), not a bunch. it just comes in a small package, sometimes unseen, unspoken, easily forgotten.
like my lunch today: almost all of the team gathered on one big table, eating peacefully, talking each other, sharing stories, laughing, touching. it's quite rare to see the scene happening in my small busy office, when each of us have full schedule and different deadline that forced us to just eat instead of enjoying lunch.
or few days ago: when i got home and still able to watch smallvile in trans7 which means i arrived before 9pm! i'm not a big fan of smallvile but i watched it anyway, just because i know that i still have plenty of time to watch dvd, take a bath, reading some pages, calling or sms-in by buddies, or even do the laundry. it's a bless!!!
well, that's why i decide to write about this at the very moment it hit me. it's wonderful when we realize, which is rarely happening to me, but really easily forgotten. i dare anyone of who reads this, can you identify at least 2 of the latest small gifts of life given to you?
coz i have... and i think i still have some more...
however, some people said that each person can see a glass half full or half empty. tonight, it suddenly hit me (in usual place) that i still have gifts wherever in my life. not that big, not beautifully wrapped (not always), not a bunch. it just comes in a small package, sometimes unseen, unspoken, easily forgotten.
like my lunch today: almost all of the team gathered on one big table, eating peacefully, talking each other, sharing stories, laughing, touching. it's quite rare to see the scene happening in my small busy office, when each of us have full schedule and different deadline that forced us to just eat instead of enjoying lunch.
or few days ago: when i got home and still able to watch smallvile in trans7 which means i arrived before 9pm! i'm not a big fan of smallvile but i watched it anyway, just because i know that i still have plenty of time to watch dvd, take a bath, reading some pages, calling or sms-in by buddies, or even do the laundry. it's a bless!!!
well, that's why i decide to write about this at the very moment it hit me. it's wonderful when we realize, which is rarely happening to me, but really easily forgotten. i dare anyone of who reads this, can you identify at least 2 of the latest small gifts of life given to you?
coz i have... and i think i still have some more...
01 April 2008
communication
i remember a sentence in my handbook of communication back on early days of my college. communication is inevitable, you cannot NOT communicate, for the rest of your life.
easiest way to communicate is through talking. another lesson i got, talking is creating a dialog, (at least) 2 way conversation. monologue, doesn't count. talking involves sending the message and receiving the message, we can't just keep sending words or the other way around, receiving words into our head. talking is even hard already sometimes.
me and him, sometimes lost the message somewhere in the middle of the process. it turn out that it's not just the content of the message that counts, but also the way we convey the message. the way i say things. my expression. my tone. the volume. when you know someone so well, bet you can tell whenever he/she hides anger from you, coz it's just obvious.
for people like me, who adores writing as main communication channel, technology is a precious gift. back then, i used to write my parents a letter when i had to admit that i was seeing a guy and wanted to invite him to my birthday party (yes lil, where are you now?) me and my dad used to write letters and used telex to share daily stories when my dad on duty abroad for months. phone? rarely yet expensive at that time (we had to stay at my grandfather's house just to receive a phone call from my dad - 1990ish). can you imagine?!
then there it comes hi tech era. when we need to buy specific voucher just to send sms to each other, sms among different providers was quite impossible few years ago. i must admit, sms and internet is one of the best things ever happened to human kind - yes, if we use it wisely. i can freely express my feelings (mostly of anger and despair) to everyone, including my beloved man. downside is, if he/ she is not the kind of visual person who prefers to say everything upfront rather than writing, it's almost like a monologue isn't??
until tonite, when something stupid comes along, when someone is actually in front of my eyes but then i can't see him anyway, i got the most updated lesson. we have to communicate by heart, not necessarily by telepathy but put your heart in the other's shoes. feel empathy to the other. less judgment. less volume. less tone. much love.
forgive me for keep yelling at you today, mplung...
easiest way to communicate is through talking. another lesson i got, talking is creating a dialog, (at least) 2 way conversation. monologue, doesn't count. talking involves sending the message and receiving the message, we can't just keep sending words or the other way around, receiving words into our head. talking is even hard already sometimes.
me and him, sometimes lost the message somewhere in the middle of the process. it turn out that it's not just the content of the message that counts, but also the way we convey the message. the way i say things. my expression. my tone. the volume. when you know someone so well, bet you can tell whenever he/she hides anger from you, coz it's just obvious.
for people like me, who adores writing as main communication channel, technology is a precious gift. back then, i used to write my parents a letter when i had to admit that i was seeing a guy and wanted to invite him to my birthday party (yes lil, where are you now?) me and my dad used to write letters and used telex to share daily stories when my dad on duty abroad for months. phone? rarely yet expensive at that time (we had to stay at my grandfather's house just to receive a phone call from my dad - 1990ish). can you imagine?!
then there it comes hi tech era. when we need to buy specific voucher just to send sms to each other, sms among different providers was quite impossible few years ago. i must admit, sms and internet is one of the best things ever happened to human kind - yes, if we use it wisely. i can freely express my feelings (mostly of anger and despair) to everyone, including my beloved man. downside is, if he/ she is not the kind of visual person who prefers to say everything upfront rather than writing, it's almost like a monologue isn't??
until tonite, when something stupid comes along, when someone is actually in front of my eyes but then i can't see him anyway, i got the most updated lesson. we have to communicate by heart, not necessarily by telepathy but put your heart in the other's shoes. feel empathy to the other. less judgment. less volume. less tone. much love.
forgive me for keep yelling at you today, mplung...
31 Maret 2008
Me time
After all this time, i finally reached one point, almost a turning point. i want my me time. i want it. i thought i deserve it. nothing or no one can take away my me time. me - is the only thing i got left in this life. if i don't pay attention to it, don't respect it, i got nothing.
zero.
i want my me time. i want my life back.
i need to love me. unconditionally.
zero.
i want my me time. i want my life back.
i need to love me. unconditionally.
23 Maret 2008
family oriented vs. business oriented
it's sunday, holiday, but not really a holiday for me and kemplung. he had to prepare things for the upcoming project, my event on tuesday. i had to prepar my own things too, all the boring paperworks for tuesday. then followed by all the proposals and pr plan for the 2 events within the next 2 weeks. yes, i got back to back events for three weeks in a row, nothing special about that.
kemplung understands how i depend my life on my laptop and internet, so he plugged in a 24-hr internet line in his place, makes my life so much easier during my day offs. like today, he was down there, busy being an amateur carpenter and me, up here, cleaning up the room and stay in front of my laptop. i wanted to work, but still lazy, so i just opened my frienster and check up my best pals.
after 1.5 hours, i found 2 interesting blogs, belongs to 2 of my bestfriends in college. nita's blog with all her stories about her beloved daughter daiba (yep, just like other young moms do, trust me - i've been observing this for my clients) and iie's blog about her life. reminds me of my own blog, which i haven't touched for sometimes.
those three blogs are just not blogs, it's more than that. it's sort of our identity, at least for three of us. we love writing, we always do. we wanna be writers, with different level of willingness. we love to share, biggest in common among us that tied us together. and most important for this moment, it's a communication channel that allow us to understand each other.
it's been such a while we haven't seen each other, or talking each other. don't ask why coz i don't know. so many things come between us: work, husbands (except for me who still haven't find my hubby), kids (again, except for me), distance (literally, since each of us live on different suburb area of jakarta), etc.
among five or six, only two who haven't got married, me and dini. worst part, i'm one of those kind of persons who always wants to get married soon. i wrote 'being a great housewife' di kolom cita-cita waktu ngisi buku kenangan waktu zaman sd. yep, that's how bad i want it. until many things happen to me during my college years and afterward, forces me to shift my direction. i'm then being a workaholic - something i never imagine before. after that, the rest is easy to guess, my job has overruled my life, for years...
while my best friends are busy with their new families, i'm still busy with my paperwork, my meeting with clients, my emails, my task list, etc. i always thought i'm a smart woman and being a good consultant will make me a great person too. till i realized that life is not only about my job. i started to realize that i got nothing left except for my job, my clients, my colleagues, my so called boyfriend. where are my bestfriends???
i kinda blame them actually, that they don't have time anymore for me. hauahhahahha... of course, they have more than 10 things to juggle with every single day, and me? after reading those blogs, i realized something.
they are not completely changed like i always thought, they are just trying to do their additional roles the best they can. it's only 24 hours in a day, and when you got additional roles (a.k.a with additional bonus of problems) without NO additional time, you just have to make some adjustments right? it's so common sense, but unfortunately i never realized.
i have to learn a lot from them, they don't let their work overruled their live. they can always spare time with their children, with their colleagues, with their families, even with themselves! i gotta stop crying and break down in front of my computers, desperate of not finishing all the jobs and satisfying my clients.
the man on my side, he needs my attentions, even to the smallest things i suppose. he needs black coffee in the morning, he needs small kisses during the days (he would remember when i don't kiss him at all one day), he needs a hug, he needs my help driving his car throughout jakarta, he needs help with his laundry and dirty plates. i gotta learn from iie and nita (and other married friends of mine) about time management and which way to choose: family oriented or business oriented...
bottomline: my best friends are never being my past, they are always being my best friends, as long as i treat them well...
kemplung understands how i depend my life on my laptop and internet, so he plugged in a 24-hr internet line in his place, makes my life so much easier during my day offs. like today, he was down there, busy being an amateur carpenter and me, up here, cleaning up the room and stay in front of my laptop. i wanted to work, but still lazy, so i just opened my frienster and check up my best pals.
after 1.5 hours, i found 2 interesting blogs, belongs to 2 of my bestfriends in college. nita's blog with all her stories about her beloved daughter daiba (yep, just like other young moms do, trust me - i've been observing this for my clients) and iie's blog about her life. reminds me of my own blog, which i haven't touched for sometimes.
those three blogs are just not blogs, it's more than that. it's sort of our identity, at least for three of us. we love writing, we always do. we wanna be writers, with different level of willingness. we love to share, biggest in common among us that tied us together. and most important for this moment, it's a communication channel that allow us to understand each other.
it's been such a while we haven't seen each other, or talking each other. don't ask why coz i don't know. so many things come between us: work, husbands (except for me who still haven't find my hubby), kids (again, except for me), distance (literally, since each of us live on different suburb area of jakarta), etc.
among five or six, only two who haven't got married, me and dini. worst part, i'm one of those kind of persons who always wants to get married soon. i wrote 'being a great housewife' di kolom cita-cita waktu ngisi buku kenangan waktu zaman sd. yep, that's how bad i want it. until many things happen to me during my college years and afterward, forces me to shift my direction. i'm then being a workaholic - something i never imagine before. after that, the rest is easy to guess, my job has overruled my life, for years...
while my best friends are busy with their new families, i'm still busy with my paperwork, my meeting with clients, my emails, my task list, etc. i always thought i'm a smart woman and being a good consultant will make me a great person too. till i realized that life is not only about my job. i started to realize that i got nothing left except for my job, my clients, my colleagues, my so called boyfriend. where are my bestfriends???
i kinda blame them actually, that they don't have time anymore for me. hauahhahahha... of course, they have more than 10 things to juggle with every single day, and me? after reading those blogs, i realized something.
they are not completely changed like i always thought, they are just trying to do their additional roles the best they can. it's only 24 hours in a day, and when you got additional roles (a.k.a with additional bonus of problems) without NO additional time, you just have to make some adjustments right? it's so common sense, but unfortunately i never realized.
i have to learn a lot from them, they don't let their work overruled their live. they can always spare time with their children, with their colleagues, with their families, even with themselves! i gotta stop crying and break down in front of my computers, desperate of not finishing all the jobs and satisfying my clients.
the man on my side, he needs my attentions, even to the smallest things i suppose. he needs black coffee in the morning, he needs small kisses during the days (he would remember when i don't kiss him at all one day), he needs a hug, he needs my help driving his car throughout jakarta, he needs help with his laundry and dirty plates. i gotta learn from iie and nita (and other married friends of mine) about time management and which way to choose: family oriented or business oriented...
bottomline: my best friends are never being my past, they are always being my best friends, as long as i treat them well...
22 Maret 2008
14 Februari 2008
My 3rd Valentine
2008 - the third year I spent my so-called Valentine's Day with Kemplung. (Gosh, I just noticed that!!!)
Kemplung, being himself, is still not my typical romantic person... So found one sms with 'Happy Valentine's Day, my dear' in my inbox at the moment I woke up is quite surprising for me. Especially when I found out that he sent it at 00:10, well... supposedly it took some effort to stay awake (or not? considering that he loved playing Rise of Nations with his buddies)...
At least, it brighten my days...
Happy Valentine's Day everyone :-)
Wish you all be surrounded by sincerity of love
Kemplung, being himself, is still not my typical romantic person... So found one sms with 'Happy Valentine's Day, my dear' in my inbox at the moment I woke up is quite surprising for me. Especially when I found out that he sent it at 00:10, well... supposedly it took some effort to stay awake (or not? considering that he loved playing Rise of Nations with his buddies)...
At least, it brighten my days...
Happy Valentine's Day everyone :-)
Wish you all be surrounded by sincerity of love
Redefining indulgence
I got many things cluttered in my head at the moment, or at least in the last few weeks. Questions, many kind of questions, questioning everything about myself. Am I really a trustworthy person? Am I really a reliable person? Am I really a team player? Am I a smart person? How smart am I? How strong am I? What am I going to do next with my life? Am I staying in the job, or moving to another job in the same field, or moving out to a completely new field? Am I capable of what I'm doing now?
Seems like I've reached another comfort zone of my life. Stagnant. Pretty comfort I must say... But unfortunately it doesn't suit my surrounding expectations. The others need refreshments: refreshing ideas - out of the box way of thinking - innovative approach - bla bla bla... Challenging (in a positive way) but also tiring (in negative way, the one I used to take).
I need to focus on another part of my life, that used to be rarely emotionally touched by me. I don't think I'm a multitasking person anymore, I'm just a twenty something woman, who tried hardly to divide my pie of time in a day into a wonderful balance.
I need to look for further, what is my next destination... First step, contemplating to redefine my indulgence...
Seems like I've reached another comfort zone of my life. Stagnant. Pretty comfort I must say... But unfortunately it doesn't suit my surrounding expectations. The others need refreshments: refreshing ideas - out of the box way of thinking - innovative approach - bla bla bla... Challenging (in a positive way) but also tiring (in negative way, the one I used to take).
I need to focus on another part of my life, that used to be rarely emotionally touched by me. I don't think I'm a multitasking person anymore, I'm just a twenty something woman, who tried hardly to divide my pie of time in a day into a wonderful balance.
I need to look for further, what is my next destination... First step, contemplating to redefine my indulgence...
11 Februari 2008
Human Working Hours
One of the monologues inside my head recently happened:
How many hours do you spend for work related matters in a day?
How many days do you spend for any work related activities in a week?
In a month? In a year?
How many hours do you spend for pick up phone calls from home and actually have a good chit-chat with your mom, dad or brother and sister?
How many hours do you spend to sit down, turn off your mobile and TV, quiet, and talk to HIM?
How many hours do you spend to type some letters and say hi, how are you to an old friend - for the sake of friendship?
How many hours do you spend for listening to your 1.5 years old niece bubbling on the phone?
Anyway, there is only 24 hours in a day. If I spent 10 hours for work related matters, 7 hours for a beautiful nap at night, at least I should be able to spare few minutes to do all the things above...
For the sake of what I called love...
I won't let my work overruled my life again... (hopefully)
How many hours do you spend for work related matters in a day?
How many days do you spend for any work related activities in a week?
In a month? In a year?
How many hours do you spend for pick up phone calls from home and actually have a good chit-chat with your mom, dad or brother and sister?
How many hours do you spend to sit down, turn off your mobile and TV, quiet, and talk to HIM?
How many hours do you spend to type some letters and say hi, how are you to an old friend - for the sake of friendship?
How many hours do you spend for listening to your 1.5 years old niece bubbling on the phone?
Anyway, there is only 24 hours in a day. If I spent 10 hours for work related matters, 7 hours for a beautiful nap at night, at least I should be able to spare few minutes to do all the things above...
For the sake of what I called love...
I won't let my work overruled my life again... (hopefully)
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